 | Works of John Taylor the Water Poet not included in the folio volume of 1630 |  |
Heads of all Fashions.
Being, A Plaine Desection or Definition of diverse, and sundry sorts of heads, Butting, Jetting, or pointing at vulgar opinion. And Allegorically shewing the Diversities of Religion in these distempered times.
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To the gentle Reader
Distracted fame throughout the world so spreads,That monster-like, she now hath many heads,
A man can goe to no place, but shall heare
Things that may make him hope, and make him feare:
But I doe hope, and hope I will doe still,
All shall be well in spite of little Will,
Or any of his Crew, farre off or neare,
Whose practices doe every day appeare
Still more and more, the Lord sees how they deale,
And doth their Plots and Projects all reveale;
Each City and each Towne, yea every village,
Can fill us now with newes, we need not pillage.
Tom Long and's men, rare tydings will relate,
Some of high Powr's and Peeres, some of the State,
Some of Religion, or Church Discipline,
Some of this Bishop, some of that Divine;
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Heav'ns mend or end that base conspiring rout.
Some brings us newes from Ireland, false or true,
How ever all is calld both true and new,
Within one day a man may undertake
Briefe notes of thousands severall things to make,
If he writes halfe what he shall heare or see,
Newes-mongers now have such varietie,
That let them make reports, till tyr'd or dumbe,
Their last newes scarce is told, but newes is come
To wait their next attendance to be spread,
By this meanes fame hath got a monsters head,
Yea many heads, whereof I found a few,
And here have laid them open to thy view,
Peruse them all, in earnest or in jest,
And tell me which amongst them is the best.
If Round-head should be found the best to be,
Farewell all other heads, Round-head for me.
But gentle Reader, give me thy good word,
And then I care not what Round-heads afford.
Thine without hypocrisie. J. M.
A Round-head at randome.
VVhen as the worlds foundation first was laid,
A Round-head was the first head that was made,
Adams head and Eves head were both as one,
So all, each following Generation.
That since the time of Adam hath ensu'd,
Hath formed beene to that similitude.
All Nations farre or neare, ere knowne or found,
Like English men have had their heads still round,
Why then should any at Rounds-heads admire?
Since all from Adam come our Great-grand-sire?
To answer this: these times are full of Gall,
And there's no head, no man that can please all.
But as this head is understood of late,
Some hold it scarce a friend toth' King and State.
And some suppose it, whereso er'e it lurch,
To be a great disturber of the Church
I can say nothing, but as people say,
One might this Round-head otherwise display,
And if youle have't more couched, more concisely,
More puuctuall, more briefly, and precisely.
A Round-head was the first head that was made,
Adams head and Eves head were both as one,
So all, each following Generation.
That since the time of Adam hath ensu'd,
Hath formed beene to that similitude.
All Nations farre or neare, ere knowne or found,
Like English men have had their heads still round,
Why then should any at Rounds-heads admire?
Since all from Adam come our Great-grand-sire?
To answer this: these times are full of Gall,
And there's no head, no man that can please all.
But as this head is understood of late,
Some hold it scarce a friend toth' King and State.
And some suppose it, whereso er'e it lurch,
To be a great disturber of the Church
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One might this Round-head otherwise display,
And if youle have't more couched, more concisely,
More puuctuall, more briefly, and precisely.
Then thus;
1
A round-head is a man whose braines compact,Whose Verilies and Trulies are an Act
Infallible, beyond the vaine compare
Of ord'nary men, what ere they are.
This head, though sometimes owned by a widgion,
Can make new moulds to shape a strange Religion.
2
A Square-head is exact in many rules,Knowes Horses, Asses, very well from Mules,
He is in Aglebra, and Musicke skil'd,
His braine-pans with a thousand crotchets fil'd;
And yet of late as I have heard some say,
He cant endure to heare the Organs play.
3
A Solid-head is one whose every part,Is furnished with nature and with Art,
Hath all the faire endowments can be given
By the auspicious Stars or powers of Heaven:
If this head be well guarded with Gods grace,
Tit fit for Church or State, or any place.
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An Empty-head hath still a shallow braine,Yer good enough to beare a Bishops Traine,
For that's now fallen full low, ev'n to the ground,
Old Canterburies pride hath pul'd all downe:
That little VVill, together with the VVren,
Hath pluckt the Pope almost from out his den.
4
An Hollow-head is one that is concave,Joyn'd to an hollow-heart makes up a Knave,
This Hollow-head comes neere the empty Pate,
Good wit doth seldome enter in thereat.
He that the name of Hypocrite knowes well,
This Hollow-head or Hollow-heart may spell.
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A Full-head is full fraught with braines or guts,Whose teeth are sound, can cracke the hardest nuts,
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Are firme and good. free from infirmities:
His nose is perfect, pure, and he can tell
Which men are knaves, which honest by the smell.
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A Deepe-head head hath an apprehensive braine,Dives far into the plots of Pope and Spaine,
If well affected to the King and State,
And to the Gospell, who can blame this pate?
Yet there are many now which nere knew Schooles
Would raise up selfe-conceit, make wise men fooles.
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A Great-head may containe a world of wit,For there is roome enough to harbour it,
Some mighty-headed pleaders I have knowne,
And yet their Great-heads little Law have showne:
But what talke I of heads? it is the braine
Enables them there cases to explaine.
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A Little-head (if not with madnesse gored)May with much wit enriched be, and stored,
And then if well inclin'd towards God and King,
How many great things may this small head bring:
But ill disposed (as many such there be)
It brings the body to disgrace wee see.
10
A Long-head cannot weare a little cap,The forehead is so distant from the nap,
This head hath many whimsies in the Braine,
Yet wonders much at Rome, at France, and Spaine:
These many plots have wrought against our Land,
But this Long-head hopes they shall nere long stand.
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A Short-head hath a kind of Brittle wit,Can understand and breake Jests for a fit,
His Pericranium being thin and tender.
It followeth his Ingence must needs be slender:
He is not strong enough to be a Baker,
Yet he may serve to be a Comfit-maker.
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A Tall-head like a Pyramide or Steeple,Ore tops the common sort of vulgar people,
Tis often on a Pimps broad shoulders placed,
And thinks it selfe with bushy locks much graced.
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That there can nothing grow (I feare) but haire.
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A Flat-head is not puffed up with fat,But yet it is a downe-right head that's flat,
It hath no braines strange projects to devise,
Nor will be drawne aside by Toyes or lyes:
It wants a bulke for mischieves there to swarme,
It doth small good, and it doth little harme.
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A Strong-head though it be not made of brasse,Remembreth every thing that comes to passe
Within the reach of's eye, his eare or knowledge,
His Skull for skill, and strength may be a colledge:
If he had beene a Fencer by his fate
He would have scorn'd to feare a broken pate.
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A Weake-head may ingenuous be aud witty,Adorn'd with sundry graces, but tis pitty,
The frailty of this head doth now and than
Make him forgoe the best parts of a man:
Bacchus into his braines may sometimes steale
And rob his senses of their common-weale.
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A Thicke-head is an head consolidatedQuite opposite, unto the hollow pated,
The Frontispice it had from Taurus browes,
More thicke and wrinkled far then any Cowes.
This head is so substantiall, that a man
May count it for an Oxe head now and than.
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A Thin-head be it empty, be it full,Tis but composed of a Paper skull,
The eyes are hallow and the cheekes are thin,
The jaw-bones threaten to run through the skin:
This head if you the face doe well examine,
Like Pharoahs seven leane Kine, protends a famine.
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A Plaine-head is a plaine well-meaning head,Who as he thinkes no harme, no hurt doth dread,
So quickly may be gul'd, for honest men
Are often cheated every now and then:
This head is often free unto its friend,
Yet many times tis cozen'd in the end.
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A Forked-head (if you the fame could uote)Is like the head of any Bull or Goate,
Yet some affirme that most men of this kind
Doe weare their hornes (Ram-like) reverst behind:
Heads of this sort in and about the City
There are a multitude, the mores the pitty.
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A Smooth-head is his Daddies dainty boy,His mother cals him still her onely joy,
His amiable countenance is clad
With many seeming vertues; nothing bad:
This Smooth-head hath an oylely tongue likewise,
Can sooth, and gloze, and monstrous thiugs devise.
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A Rugged-head is like a craggie mountaine,Whence churlishnesse proceeds as from a fountaine,
This rugged, crooked, crabbed, ill made mazzard
Is obstinate, cares not for any hazzard.
A world of follies this head liveth in,
But yet presumption is his greatest sin.
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A Loger-head alone cannot well be,At Scriveners windowes many times hangs three.
A Country Lobcocke, as I once did heare,
Upon a Pen-man put a grievous jeare;
If I had beene in place, as this man was,
I should have calld that Country-Coxecombe Asse.
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A Narrow head is one whose braines are couched,Into a little roome, may not be touched,
With any Beere or Ale, or Wine, or Water,
For then his wits forthwith abroad will scatter,
He is a silly simple, puling foole,
Knowes not the name of Learning, nor a Schole.
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A Broade head (if on broader shoulders placed)Thinkes not himselfe by any jeares disgraced,
Scoffe, scorne, and flout him, so you picks not's Purse,
This head conceiveth he is nere the worse,
It were a sin to call him Cuckold thoe,
Because he doth beleeve he is not soe.
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A Blocke-head (to make his assertion good)Is not so calld, because 'tis made of wood,
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Nor is it capable to learne the Arts,
Yet give me leave, now I doe all things scan,
This head in time may serve an honest man.
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A light head is full fraughgt with pleasant Ayre,Thinks well of every one thats speaks him faire,
Hee's given to leaping, much, and much to dauncing,
Curverting, jumpiug, vaulting and prauncing,
This nimble head whose father was no fumbler.
May make a Dancer on the ropcs, or Tumbler.
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A Heavy head is naught for complement,So full it is of griefe and discontent,
The pensive thoughts that this head doth conceive,
May make the best man all his meat to leave,
He that is full of trouble, paine and sorrow,
May see his dinner drest, but eate to morrow.
The Conclusion.
A world of heads more I could name to you,An Hogs head, Pigs head, and a Calves head too,
A Jowle of Salmon too, is halfe a head,
Which any man may well disgest with bread,
And next unto this Jowle of Salmon fish,
A Swines Cheek is esteem'd an ex'lent dish:
An Oxe cheek likewise is a dish of meat
Which many an old, yonger, wived man may eate.
These heads and halfe-heads all are known for food,
And I doe hold them to be very good:
There also is a Sheeps head and an Asses,
But this last head most of the rest surpasses,
For this in time by friends and loves increase,
May be chiefe Clarke t'a Justice of Peace.
But stay rash Muse, why dost thou so farre flie,
Thou must not meddle with Authoritie.
FINIS.
| Works of John Taylor the Water Poet not included in the folio volume of 1630 | |